By Kylie van der Veer
So I wasn’t going to post anything during my Panchakarma retreat in Bali… however after a full week in I wanted to share something I feel is very important.
I suffer from severe anxiety. I probably have all my life, however after several misguided diagnosis I was officially diagnosed eleven years ago. This really only came about during an awful panic attack in hospital emergency resulting in my first Valium. I have since taken this drug every day for eleven long years. My own self administered dosage dependant on the state of play.
For eleven years whenever I feel uncomfortable, nervous, anxious, sad, or angry – I have taken a pill to calm those nerves. And for eleven years I have not experienced true feeling. I believe that anxiety lies at the heart of most eating disorders. An eating disorder further dulls our emotion and our capacity to feel.
So coming into this retreat, I have been slowly (and might I say rather painfully) weening myself bit by bit off the Valium and am now on day 3 completely drug free!!!
With 12 days left of complete support… I really feel this is the place where I am going to discover how to feel again! It’s already begun and its been challenging and wonderful all at once.
The food here is all fresh and wholesome…yet I have no control over it. I’m having two treatments a day where my body is exposed…but completely nurtured. It is confronting and enlightening all at the same time. I am seeing an Ayurvedic doctor every day – who lets me know I’m okay. Whilst I absolutely appreciate the necessity for Western medicine in eating disorder recovery….I am also in awe of the level of peace I am finding at an eastern retreat. I have craved nurturing all my life….and being here makes me feel like a whole human being with a desire to love myself and give love back to others.
You will never see a post from me saying YAY – I’m cured!!! I do believe you will see a post saying YAY – I’m peaceful!
And that is what we are really striving for with our series. Finding ways that we can share to help others obtain a peaceful mind and a desire to love themselves from the inside out.
An enormous thank you to Oneworld Ayurveda for week one…and for allowing us to film in such a sacred space. I can’t wait to show you all soon.
A Peace of Nourishment is a 6 part documentary series providing a raw and revealing window into eating disorder recovery through the heart and mind of Kylie van der Veer, who after 25 years of suffering a combination of anorexia and binge eating disorder, still fights every day with her relationship to food and her body.
Together with her partner, award winning filmmaker Annie Flynn and Claire Middleton OAM, (Founder of The Butterfly Foundation), Kylie shares all as she engages in a wide variety of treatment options. The series will feature leading experts, therapists, authors and advocates from all over the world, including the latest research into brain science and genetics.
With the highest mortality rate of any mental illness and no clear pathway to clinical services, this series offers a vital gateway for millions of sufferers and carers worldwide.